Kisame's Devious Plan
by LiteralBlue
Summary: For the Akatsuki, a trip to the hot springs turns into a fiasco as they face missing soap, little old men, bomb divers, Tobi's adventuring, an obscure cult and more. And in the middle of all that, Kisame has devised ... a Devious Plan! OCs. COMPLETE
1. Phase One

A/N Pure crack, naturally. I don't own Naruto, I own Rei, my sister owns Tei, we joint-own Anno and Rimu. Hmm, what is the grounds for this title? Wait and see! I don't know much about hot springs either, I'm researching as I go.

* * *

It's a fact, even s-class criminals like a hot bath every once in a while. Even if for s-class criminals this involves blackmailing the owner of the hot springs to give them the place for the day. But that's fine, 'cause they're s-class. Blackmail's cleaner than murder, too.

"Okay, this is the place." Said the shark-like swordsman known as Kisame of the Akatsuki, gesturing. "Go on in, it's ours for the day."

"Won't the owner mind?" Asked a certain puppy-like individual in an orange mask.

"Oh, no, he said we could take whatever we want, only don't do what I said I'd do." Kisame paused, looking thoughtful. "I can't remember what I said I'd do… Oh, well. Run along, Tobi."

"Yay!" Tobi announced, and went skipping into the beautifully decorated building, with the rest of the criminal organisation trailing behind him.

"Where's Zetsu, anyway?" A certain artistic blonde bomber named Deidara asked.

"Said he had a date." Kisame replied. There was a long silence.

"Ew…" Said the shortest of the three females in the group, aka Rei. "It might _breed_!"

"That's a horrible thought." Agreed her crazy blonde partner Tei, a woman renowned for being in a permanent state of near-drunkenness.

"Why do you care about Zetsu's personal life?" Asked Sasori, the Akatsuki's resident puppeteer.

"I'm female, I care about everyone's personal life."

"She made it hell in Konoha." Added a nervous-looking boy with a hairstyle reminiscent of a windswept hedgehog (though somewhat more stylish since Rei had convinced him to stop cutting his own hair).

"Shut up, Anno."

"Yes, Reikisha-san."

There was another silence.

"Hey, Sasori?"

"Yes, Tei?"

"Are you… going in the water?" Sasori sighed.

"_Yes, _Tei, this is a _hot spring_."

"But you're, well, wood. Won't you expand, or float, or something?"

"… What I do in hot water is entirely my own problem."

"Hmm." Tei leaned over to Rei. "Bet he floats." She not-quite-whispered.

"Probably."

"So, people, when are we actually going to the baths?" Asked Hidan, the foul-mouthed fanatic.

"… _Now!_" Rimu, the (badly dyed) blonde with the permanently bored expression, pointed upwards and hit his finger on the low ceiling. "Ow."

"The guys' place is through there and to the left." Kisame pointed.

"Tobi went right." Deidara observed.

"That's the kids' place."

"Figures."

"Rei, Tei, Konan." The three females of the Akatsuki turned to Kisame at the mention of their names. "Come with me, I'll take you to the ladies' place."

Several of the Akatsuki were looking strangely at him, but he ignored them, offering his arm to the bluenette origami artist Konan. She didn't take it, but after exchanging glances with her fellow females, shrugged. "Fine, lead on." She said.

Little did she, Rei or Tei know that this was Phase One of… Kisame's devious plan!

* * *

A/N EGAD! A devious plan? Coming soon, Phase Two!


	2. Phase Two

A/N Well, it took me long enough... I had the first part in the women's baths in my notepad for weeks, most of it was written in Chemistry class this morning and it was finished just now whilst I was typing it up. I don't own Naruto, I don't own the Akatsuki, I own Rei, I own Tobi's adventure, I joint-own Anno and Rimu with Astarael's Get, who owns Tei and allows me to use her frequently and enthustiastically. Peace, out.

There is mucho Itachi in this chapter. Also, Konan's dressing-gown goes on an adventure, Sasori is insecure and Zetsu confides in Itachi. Deidara is a princess. Thank you!

* * *

In the women's baths…

"You know, I'm not entirely comfortable stripping around Kisame." Konan confided, shedding her clothes.

"I know what you mean." Rei said, changing her choker; instead of the usual overjoyed grin, this one wore an expression of serene calm. Other than that, she wore only a small towel. "He's not acting normal…"

"Who cares about Jawsey?" We're having a _bath_, for the first time in ages! This is gonna be better than that time we were ninjas!" Tei looked thoughtful. "Wait, that's not right…"

"Who cares?" Exclaimed Konan suddenly. "I'm going to be _clean! Cleeeeeean!_" Without further ado, she dashed off into the springs.

There was a loud splash from over the wooden barrier dividing the men's and women's baths, followed by a yelp of pain.

* * *

In the men's baths… 

"Oww…" Kisame flinched as he rubbed his injury. Not yet in the spring, Deidara, Sasori, Rimu, Anno, Hidan and Kakuzu were in fits of laughter whilst Itachi and Zetsu smirked. And who could blame them? They had just seen Kisame bomb-dive into two feet of water.

Itachi recovered his smirking fit, and turned to Zetsu. "So, how was your date?"

"Oh, it was… nice."

"Only 'nice'?"

"Well, to tell you the truth…"

"Hmm?"

"He kept molesting me."

Itachi blinked. Deidara's jaw dropped. "There are so many things wrong with that statement…" He muttered.

Suddenly there was another splash, which left Itachi, Deidara, Rimu and Hidan dripping wet. They all looked up at the clear, empty and completely dry sky.

"Rei…" Itachi said eventually.

"Sorry!" She called. "I dropped my dolls!"

"You take those creepy voodoo dolls in the _bath_?"

"Shut up, Kakuzu! You _are_ a creepy voodoo doll!"

"HEY!" Kakuzu protested. "I'm not, I'm just…" He touched one of the seams on his arm. "delicate."

"Yeah, sure." On the other side of the divide, Rei walked her homemade Kakuzu doll over the rocks to somersault into the water. Kakuzu managed to keep from mimicking the somersault just in time, but the conflict of wills was amusing to watch.

Deidara lowered himself carefully into the water. "Hey, Sasori-no-Danna! Come on in, it's warm!"

Sasori, however, was sat at the edge of the pool, staring into space, and thinking. He had not had a bath since before he turned himself into a puppet, his lifestyle only ever allowing him time for a quick shower. But Telaki's words had sown the seeds of fear in him. What _would_ he do in water? Float? Expand? Absorb? Rot? Grow mossy?

"I… I'm okay here." He said quietly.

"Huh. How about you, Leader-sama?" Asked the blonde, as the majority of Akatsuki filed into the water, Kisame dragging his bruised backside to the deeper end.

"I'm fine." He said firmly.

"_He'll rust!_" Konan's voice came over the divide. The heavily pierced Leader's eye twitched. Deidara stifled a snigger. Itachi turned away to hide a fleeting smirk. Hidan, however, was more direct, and shoved Leader bodily into the water; the Akatsuki watched in horror as the sheer weight of his piercings carried Leader straight to the bottom.

"Wow…" Hidan said. "I didn't think it was _that_ heavy…" Leader thrashed about beneath the surface.

"Hidan, get him _out_!" Itachi ordered. Hidan paused, then reached down and hoisted Leader out of the water.

"Hidan, I am going to _kill you_." He growled. "I am going to slice you apart with a blunt spork, feet first so you can _watch_, then I am going to feed you piece by piece to Zetsu, and I'd like to see Kakuzu sew you back together after _that_!"

"O-okay, Leader-sama…"

"But right now, I'm going to the Evil Mastermind baths, because I can't stand you people." Clutching a damp towel to himself, Leader shoved Tobi as he went out. As the door slammed behind him the Akatsuki muttered a collective "Oooh!", joined by the women.

"Tobi, when did you get here?" Asked Kisame. "And is that Konan's dressing gown?"

"Tobi just got back!" Said Tobi. "Tobi went on an adventure! And…" Tobi glanced down at his fluffy blue apparel. "Yes, this is Konan-senpai's dressing gown."

"Give it back!" Konan shouted.

"I will, Konan-senpai!" He promised. "But first, Tobi wants to tell everyone about his adventure!" The Akatsuki looked at each other uncertainly. Tobi's last 'adventure' had involved hiding from Rei and Hidan for three weeks after going into Rei's workshop and startling her into stabbing Hidan thirty-four times in the face; nobody was quite sure how, especially since Hidan had been in a different room at the time, but time-travel was suspected. At the time, Leader had Not been Amused.

"This is Tobi's adventure!" Tobi announced. "Tobi found a hole in the corridor, then he fell down it, and landed in a strange land, where the animals speak the Language of Tobi, and so Tobi talked to them and they told him of a wicked dragon on a mountain, so Tobi slew the dragon. He was about to marry the beautiful blonde princess who looked like Deidara-senpai, when a unicorn came and told Tobi he had waffles to eat back home, so he had to put on the enchanted dressing gown three times and say he wished to be home, so he did, and he was back at the A/C, so Tobi decided he'd better run down here so Leader wouldn't be mad at him, but Leader was mad at Tobi anyway, and what did Tobi do?"

"… You didn't hit your head or anything, did you?" Deidara asked slowly.

"Hush it, princess." Rimu muttered, sniggering.

"Deidara-senpai made a very pretty princess." Tobi said thoughtfully. Rimu's laughter increased in volume, until Deidara pounced on him, forcing Rimu's head beneath the water and struggling to hold it there. Sasori, meanwhile, looked thoughtful.

"You know…" Said the puppet after a while, "I think he would."

"I agree." Konan shouted over the divide; the other girls concurred.

"Be thankful there's a wall there, Blue!" Deidara growled menacingly.

"Um, Deidara-san?" Anno said nervously. "I think you're drowning Rimu-sensei."

"Shut up, Anno." Deidara said, releasing Rimu, who had gone purple.

"I'll take the dressing gown back." Kisame said brightly, getting out of the water, past Itachi, who raised an eyebrow.

Kisame took the fluffy blue item into the female changing rooms and left it with Konan's things, keeping his eyes respectfully averted from the ladies' discarded possessions. "Hey!" He called to them. "You want something to drink?"

Rei and Konan exchanged glances, but Tei shot to her feet. "I _always_ want a drink!" She announced.

Little did she know that this was Phase Two of… Kisame's Devious Plan!

* * *

A/N ZOMG! Phase Two? Why, what horrors will the future hold for our friends the Akatsuki? What happens with the alcahol? Does Sasori ever overcome his insecurities? And just what _is_ Kisame's devious plan? Well, wait for my updates, and put this on alert to find out! 

Like my writings? Check out my collection! My sister, Astarael's Get, uses the same OCs and we make our storylines together, so if you like mine you're bound to like hers, they're hilarious. Merry Christmas, folks!


	3. Phase Three

A/N Sorry it's been so long! This chapter lacks zing, I fear, but at least it's there! Points to anyone who recognises the dialogue with the Little Old Man ™! Okay, I don't own it. I don't own Tei or any of the Naruto cast, Rei is mine and I share Rimu and Anno with my sister. You know the drill.

* * *

Kisame re-entered the girls' baths with a tray. "Okay, so that was one apple-juice, one sake and one Screaming Valkyrie cocktail with three olives and Essence of Faaaaaaa."

"Yuppers, that's mine!" Tei announced, snatching the cocktail, which filled a pint glass. Essence of Faaaaaaa was one of Rei's crazy cocktail inventions which, if taken in a large enough dosage, were said to change one's hairstyle. She gulped it, whilst Konan sipped her juice and Rei downed her sake, grimacing. Kisame smiled and sat down on a rock.

"So, Rei, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"How did you come by that magnificent sense of style I so admire?"

"My grandma took me training, isolating me from mankind for thirty days whilst she taught me how to be such a magnificently stylish person. By the time I got back Tei and Anno were suffering from Rei-withdrawal symptoms."

"Amazing…" Kisame muttered. "Well, Konan, I have been wondering something about you too."

"What?"

"Are you a natural bluenette? I've seen your hair colour on others, but it never suits them so well as it suits you."

"Um… thanks? Yeah, I am."

"And Tei, where did you learn to mix such wonderful drinks?"

"When you're an alcoholic, you have to know these things."

"Hey, Kisame?"

"Yes, Konan?"

"Nobody here is buying that gentleman act. What do you _want_?"

Kisame donned a look of hurt innocence that had been so very useful in his youth. "Want, dear Konan? Why, nothing, nothing at all-"

"Give it up, Kisame, none of them are into bestiality!" Sasori yelled from the other side of the divide. Kisame huffed.

"The rabble summons. I have to go now." Kisame muttered, giving the girls a sharp-toothed smile as he left. The three of them exchanged glances.

"What's he up to?" Rei muttered.

"Something fishy, no doubt." Konan said.

"You watch _way_ too many morning cartoons if you actually find that funny." Rei sighed, rolling her eyes.

"I don't do it on purpose. Leader's in charge of the remote." Konan countered. "And _he_ thinks it's funny."

"Konan, Leader's not exactly got all his screws in tight. Remember that time he had eight of us hunting down a pigeon because he said it gave him a funny look?"

"We got it, though." Konan said proudly. "Took us two weeks off missions, but we got it."

"Yeah... that aside, what I'm saying is, our much-pierced lord is a bit of a psycho. His sense of humour should not be used as a template. And anyway, the point is, what's Kisame playing at?"

"Who _cares_?" Tei cut in. "We got free booze out of it!"

"True. Very true."

* * *

"You took your time." Zetsu observed as Kisame re-entered the men's baths.

"Uhuh." Kisame seemed preoccupied with something. Zetsu sighed, and returned his attention to the struggle before him. Deidara was trying to convince Sasori to come into the water. The argument wasn't really getting anywhere.

"C'mon, Sasori!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty-please?"

"No."

"With sprinkles on top?"

"Okay."

"Really?"

"No!"

Deidara huffed. "What, is the big blue fish done fanning the girls with palm leaves?"

"There's an idea…" Konan muttered on the other side of the wall.

"Well, he's-" Zetsu paused. "That's weird, he came in here a second ago…" They all glanced around, but the fish-man was nowhere to be seen. They dismissed it, though, as Anno let out a squeal.

"I saw a scary face!" He yelped.

"Relax, Anno, it was probably just Kakuzu." Rimu said, patting him on the shoulder.

"No, it wasn't! It was… _oh God, it's him!_" Rimu felt a chill run down his spine, like the ice cubes Leader had shoved down the back of his shirt last summer after that graffiti contest before breaking every finger and toe in Rimu's possession. He turned around slowly, as did the rest of the present Akatsuki.

Standing in the doorway, there was…

A Little Old Man ™!

"Hello." The Little Old Man ™ croaked in a dry voice. "Please, I am old-"

"No, duh." Deidara muttered.

"-and I am poor. I was wondering if any of you fine young men could spare me some of your food, and a little drink…" He wheezed.

"All we have is stale bread and bitter ale." Itachi said.

"That would do…" The old man muttered. "If you would be so kind…" Itachi shrugged. Anno was sent to fetch the sack of food and drink.

"Kakuzu, since you have that nice waitress costume, I assume you can serve the gentleman." Itachi said.

"Waitress costume?" Kakuzu asked quietly. "What waitress costume?"

"The very revealing one you put in the laundry for Tei to wash, you creepy pervert." Rei called over the divide. Kakuzu blushed.

"You _told_ everyone?"

"Kakuzu, serve the gentleman. I understand Leader is the only one who does not know. I would hate for him to find out accidentally…" Itachi's voice trailed off. Red-faced and steaming, Kakuzu went to the sack for the meagre meal. And yet… as he pulled out the drink, what had been a flask of bitter ale had become a bottle of fine wine! The Akatsuki marvelled, and as Kakuzu pulled out what had been stale bread, they gazed in awe, for it had become an enormous luxury cake!

The Little Old Man ™ smiled mischievously. "You see, young men, no others have been kind enough to give me their food. And so, as a reward for giving me this wine and cake, I shall grant you a magical-" The words were cut short as Kakuzu stuck a kunai in the Little Old Man ™'s throat. Blood splashed onto the floor, but thankfully did not contaminate the water. Anno was sent to bring towels.

"That wine's Suna Towers, worth a bloody fortune!" Kakuzu growled. "Like hell I'm giving it to some senile old fart!"

"Itachi, since when were you so polite?" Sasori enquired. The Uchiha prodigy, though not openly disrespectful, was not inclined to go around helping little old men all the time.

"I always thought it prudent to respect the elderly."

"Really?"

"Yes. My clan didn't, though. That's why I killed them."

Sasori shuffled away. Whilst Anno was towelling up, Zetsu made an afternoon snack of the body.

Itachi jolted suddenly, staring at the water.

"What's up?" Deidara asked. Itachi frowned.

"I felt like something touched my leg…"

Abruptly Kisame's head broke the surface of the water only a few feet away. He took a few lungfuls of air, then got to his feet, smiling and looking around. His grin faded when he saw the edgy-looking Sasori, Anno carrying bloodstained towels and Zetsu finishing up his snack. "What happened here?"

"A little old man came over and turned our ale into expensive wine and then he was idiot enough to expect Kakuzu to just hand it over, so Kakuzu killed him, and Itachi creeped out Sasori." Deidara said. "So where were _you_?"

"Oh, I was… nowhere, really."

Deidara was about to press the matter, but his speech was cut off by a shriek as the frolicking Tobi knocked Sasori into the water, causing the puppet-man to let out an uncharacteristic yelp, and completely diverting attention from Kisame, who had in fact been putting into practice Phase Three of… Kisame's Devious Plan!

* * *

A/N Yeah, the Little Old Man™ is from the popular fairytale "The Golden Goose". The point where Kakuzu killed him, he _would_ have been granted a goose with golden feathers, but… well, it's _really_ good wine.


	4. Phase Four

A/N What is this? Two updates in one day? Who am I and what have I done with Lilliana? Well, she's in a cupboard somewhere. I felt like carrying on, I felt guilty about not updating for bloody ages, and I felt like motivating my sister Aster into typing up some of those chapters I know she's written. Enjoy it!

* * *

Sasori was… floating. Not floating like a regular human with a lungful of air, but rather like a piece of wood. Which, technically, he was. He was also struggling to move, as his body expanded in the water and made his joints stiff. He was shouting and demanding assistance from his partner, but Deidara was in fits of laughter, sharing his mirth with all those present – even stoic Itachi had snorted and looked away.

"What's funny?" Rei called over the divide.

Tobi, whose mask hid a face of panicked guilt, replied. "Tobi just knocked Sasori-san into the water."

The girls' laughter floated over the divide. "What did he do?" Tei asked.

"Sasori-san is floating, and he's swollen up and can't move."

"GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Sasori yelled. On the other side, Rei and Tei hi-fived.

"I _knew_ it!" The drunken blonde sniggered triumphantly.

Five minutes passed.

"Well, _someone_ help him, will you?" Konan managed to breathe long enough to order. After it was established that going to his partner's aid would probably result in Deidara's death, Tobi was sent into the water to retrieve him. Unfortunately, Sasori's joints had swollen so much that the aid of Kisame was also required to lift him up and put him on the dry land. He was lain on a blanket of towels; he used what little control of his jaw he still had to refuse to be dried, but Konan used her power as Leader's partner and second-in-command to insist that if the sun in the open-air springs had not dried him out sufficiently that he could walk back to the hideout, she would have to get creative with a hairdryer.

"Tobi, you should watch where you frolic." Kisame chided. Tobi hung his head dejectedly in a way that made the women of Akatsuki squeal and hug him, but had no such effect on the men, and so Kisame's only reaction was to smack the masked nin upside the head.

"Kisame-san, there are laws against child-beating." Anno said quietly.

"Shut up, Anno." Rimu growled, bonking Anno on the head. "There are laws against betraying your village, joining criminal organizations and killing people too." Anno sighed. "And don't even get me started on your numerous illegitimate love-children."

"Anno has children?" Deidara asked incredulously.

"Yeah, lots. See, it's like this: every time Anno's nifty alternate personality emerges, he gets murderous, slaughters his enemies, levels a few buildings then wanders off and fathers kids on about five different busty blondes. He's doing well, for a nineteen-year-old."

"Yeah, but Reikisha-san and Telaki-san won't let me see them." Anno sighed. "And every time the mothers show up with them, Reikisha-san and Telaki-san kill the mothers and put the children in orphanages."

"Look," Rei called, "think of how crazy we all are. Most of us had relatively normal parents. I mean, my dad's an accountant, Zetsu's mom runs a flower-shop, Kisame's dad just feeds fish up at the aquarium for a living. Now we're all ruthless killers working our way towards world domination." The Akatsuki nodded. "Now, if that's what _normal_ parenting can produce, imagine a child raised by _us_. I mean, Leader would end up with a rival for World's Most Psycho!"

"Good point." Deidara conceded. "Poor brat'd be an absolute nutter."

"_Brats_. For some reason he only ever fathers twins. And there's always a good one and an evil one." Rimu sighed.

"Hey, I've got a brilliant idea!" Deidara announced. "Let's move away from this disturbing topic of conversation!"

"Great idea!"

"Where's the soap?" Hidan interrupted them. They all glanced around, but the soap was nowhere to be seen.

"Kisame." Itachi sighed. "Do you have the soap?" Kisame gave Itachi a look of pure innocence.

"Why would _I _have the soap?"

"Oh, I don't know, because you're a kleptomaniac, perhaps?"

"Just because I'm a kleptomaniac doesn't mean I just randomly steal stuff!" He protested. Itachi's sharingan flashed. Kisame sighed.

"Fine, fine. I put it in the changing room. I'll go get it…"

"While you're up, bring beer!" Tei called. Kisame flipped her the birdie, but answered that certainly he would.

"Hey, Itachi?"

"Hmm?"

"So, I was wondering, what's it like being partners with a klepto?"

"Oh, I sleep on my wallet. But I did that anyway, ever since Kakuzu joined. He doesn't take my things very often. And when he does, I just torture him until he tells me where he stashed them."

"Hey, 'Tachi!" Rei called. "Mind using that technique to find out what he did with my slippers?"

"Yes, I mind. I don't give favours for free, Reikisha."

"Yeah, that's what _she_ said-"

"Rei, you're a girl, it's not as funny when you say it – AGH!" Hidan clutched his throat, which had just experienced a strange stabbing sensation. "Are you voodooing me?" He demanded.

"Maybe." Rei pulled the pin out of the chibi Hidan doll, smiling. Hidan then experienced a bonking sensation on his head. However, the source of that was not Rei's creepy voodoo dolls, but Kakuzu.

"Idiot! You dropped your guard!" That particular technique of Rei's was so obvious it only worked if one was not paying attention. She liked to pick on Rimu with it, but the inattentive Hidan was easily her favourite. "What if someone had tried to kill you?"

"Oh, come _on_! Who the hell would attack S-class criminal shinobi in the _bath_?"

"I have attacked bathing shinobi many times." Kakuzu said.

"That's 'cause you're a freakin' _perv_, partner."

"_I am not a pervert!_"

"You wear women's underwear and you've been busted eight times trying to spy on the girls in the shower." Zetsu sighed. Kakuzu reddened. "And as for those skimpy costumes…"

"Shut up!"

"And, Kakuzu, I know the last time we had a pile-on you molested at least four of us."

"_Shut up, Anno!_" Kakuzu screamed, finally loosing his temper, and grabbing the small, hedgehog-like boy, roaring furiously and flinging him hard as he could into the nearest wall, which happened to be the divide between the men's and women's baths. First, the wood smashed, leaving an Anno-shaped hole, then, with a foreboding creak, it began to fall, slow at first, then faster and faster. It would have landed on top of the three women but for Itachi's intervention: a quick fire jutsu which blasted the divide out of existence.

Silence followed, all Akatsuki staring in awe. Finally Hidan spoke: "What the fuck? Leader's been trying to wipe out that piss-head Tei for years, Rei's a total homicidal bitch and Konan's freaky power-mad and you just fucking _saved_ them?"

"If their strike a few months ago taught you nothing else it should have taught you that aside from those three, nobody at the hideout can cook, clean, garden or do laundry. We barely survived for a week while they were on strike. You really think we could last a month?" Itachi replied calmly. Hidan opened his mouth to counter with some profanity or other, but was cut off by a shrill scream.

The three flowers of the Akatsuki were stood waist-deep in water, each wearing only a clingy wet towel. Konan was staring mournfully at the stain her spilt juice had left down hers, Tei (the most busty of the three) was glaring at Kakuzu and folding her arms over her chest, and Rei… was advancing with a murderous look on her face.

And all of this perfectly and completely prevented anyone from noticing Kisame once again slip away, with only one thing on his mind: phase four of… Kisame's Devious Plan!

* * *

A/N: Phase Four? EGAD! What on earth could this Devious Plan be? Any guesses? Heh.

When Itachi talks about the girls going on strike he is in fact refering to **Sweet Angels**, another fanfic I wrote. Deidara pissed them off with a sexist joke and in retaliation they refused to work for a week. A week that unfortunately involved Leader's curry-night.


	5. The Final Phase

A/N Okay, so my New Years' resolution was to finish all my fics and I haven't actually posted anything for more than six months. But it's ok! I'm actually getting round to it now! Plus a certain new fan who flooded my inbox with reviews and favourites and alerts last night has inspired me.

I'm missing you, Aster and Twonk! It's totally sane in my side of the county :(

* * *

Rei broke Anno's nose.

That wasn't what happened, it was the end result. What actually happened was that she hauled his semi-conscious form out from under the water and held his hand while he choked by the side of the pool, then when she was satisfied he wasn't going to die she drop-kicked him over the wall of the spring. His scream was heard in the distance, along with the very faint crunch of his delicate, girlish nose breaking. Unbeknownst to his comrades, Anno fell through the roof of an old building into the middle of an obscure cult who had at that moment been performing a ritual to summon their spiritual lord. After his nose was re-set he was taken by them to a golden palace built in an uninhabited corner of Suna, with two hundred servants to wait on him, and three beautiful and dedicated wives.

While this was going on, Tei calmly necked a bottle of sake that had appeared seemingly from nowhere, totally forgot what had just transpired and slunk up to Sasori, who still lay incapacitated on the floor. She produced a pack of cards, probably from the same place as the sake, and started building an elaborate card castle on his chest.

Konan, meanwhile, delivered an impressive right hook to Kakuzu, screaming "You made me spill my JUICE, you BASTARD!" No cults awaited Kakuzu, just a black eye the next morning, and some dental complications a few weeks later that were eventually solved by some crude surgical work with a pair of pliers, Sasori's sewing scissors and a lot of alcohol, which he barely survived.

But at the time he simply accepted his punishment as perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. Konan nodded approvingly.

Kisame slipped back into the water unseen by anyone, and the rest of the Akatsuki were absolutely oblivious to the fact that he was now in the final stages of... Kisame's Devious Plan!

He cleared his throat, then coughed a few times, then raised his hands, then eventually grabbed a megaphone and yelled "OI!", finally gaining the attentions of everybody except Tobi, who was watching a butterfly, and Tei, whose card castle was now as tall as she was, and featured several spires, rooms and windows; she was currently working on a dragon sitting atop the tallest tower, wings outstretched.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Kisame called out. "I believe we are all agreed that if we stay in the water much longer we shall indeed look like prunes! Wrinkly little prunes... aww... I like prunes... But enough! Maybe we should get out!"

"Whose megaphone is that?" Deidara asked eventually.

"Umm..." Kisame looked at the megaphone. "Your mum, apparantly."

"_What?_"

"I don't own a megaphone," Tei said absent-mindedly. Rei sighed and leaned in. The whispered conversation that followed went something like this:

"Tei, we've been through this. You're not Deidara's mother."

"I might be."

"He's older than you."

"That proves _nothing_!"

"You've never met his dad."

"You don't know that." She brandished the empty sake bottle. "If I did I probably wouldn't remember."

"True, but..."

"OI!" Yelled Hidan, who had snatched the microphone. "Nobody here cares who Deidara's mom is!"

"I do..."

"SHUT UP, DEIDARA! Nobody _cares _what YOU think!"

"... I do..." He muttered sullenly.

"... So do I, actually," Hidan amended. "Sorry. That was uncalled for."

"That's fine," Deidara said, and the two embraced in a totally manly way against a backdrop of the setting sun until a wolf-whistle by person or persons unknown interrupted the sweet moment, and they broke apart.

After brief examinations of their bodies, it was concluded that Kisame was right: prunes were cute. However, they didn't want to become prunes themselves, and so they all got out, with much pushing and shoving, and kicking Kakuzu out of the girls' changing rooms...

And the enactment of Kisame's Devious Plan.

* * *

Since the Author doesn't believe in fan service there shall be no descriptions of the scene in the men's changing room, all those dripping-wet gorgeous bodies in clingy towels etc. Let your imaginations do the talking.

"Kisame, tell me something," Itachi said, struggling with the knots in his hair.

"The volume of a sphere is 4/3 pi x r^3."

"Um... I was thinking something more specific."

"Go on."

"How come you kept slipping off to see the girls?"

"Oh? I was?" Kisame asked innocently.

"Yes, you were. If I didn't know you better I'd say you'd concocted a Devious Plan."

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you. But since I know better I'd say you were probably stealing stuff."

"Well..."

"Am I right?"

"I could have been doing both."

"A Devious Plan that involves stealing stuff?"

"Yeah, one of those."

And then there was a shrill scream.

It began as one of shock and horror, but quickly descended into rage, like the time Leader opened the door to his secret comic stash and found it had been raided and emptied. It promised death.

Itachi leaned around the door in time to spot Konan, modesty protected only by one arm and a well-placed slipper, stood in the hall looking ready to kill. He looked back to Kisame, who wore an expression of total indifference.

"Is there a problem?" Itachi asked eventually.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR _CLOTHES_?" Konan shrieked.

Itachi rolled his eyes and turned to Kisame. "Devious," he said. Kisame shrugged.

"I try to do my best." He lifted his cloak to reveal a bundle of women's' clothing. To smile would have been so very un-Itachi that it would have been painful, so he just twitched his facial muscles for a split-second into something vaguely amused. "They'll never suspect," Kisame added.

"TELL KISAME HE'S A DEAD MAN!"

"Oh..." Kisame deflated somewhat. "... Crap."

"Konan says you're a dead man," Itachi monotoned.

"Really?"

"Good luck, partner," he said with all the sincerity of someone not even a little bit sincere. Kisame swallowed and leaned against the wall, threw the bundle of clothes out of the door in the most defeatist gesture ever seen, then was knocked to the ground by Leader as the furious mastermind flung himself at Hidan armed with a blunt spork.

And with the carrying out of his earlier promise, all was set right with the world again, and the Akatsuki were able to leave the hot springs with a reasonable amount of ease, except for the hospitalisation of Kisame by three furious, partially dressed women, but he'd had it coming.

A few hours later somebody remembered to come back for Sasori, who eventually recovered movement in his joints.

And as for Anno, he stayed in his palace as god of the new cult in happiness for six months before one day waking up and seeing a rather large and hairy spider in the window. He thereupon squealed like a girl and, clad only in a long and frilly dress he'd been wearing for a string of complicated and perfectly acceptable reasons, fled the castle and sprinted in terror all the way back to the Akatsuki Hideout, where nobody had actually noticed him missing; upon beginning to tell his story, the general consensus was that he should shut up.

* * *

A/N DAMN STRAIGHT I FINALLY FINISHED ONE! Me love you all big lots! But the Author is in serious need of inspiration to finish all her ongoing Naruto fics so...?

Anyways, thank you a lot for reading to the end, I'm proud of you for surviving my crazy ramblings. Have fun.

Peace, out xx


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